FELINE LIM

The first thing I do every morning is to check your room. It comforts me to see you there, physically, even though we both know you’ve never really been present.

The ‘CCTV’ we’ve installed along our corridor has always given me this strange sense of security even though it’s not real — we just stuck it on with double-sided tape.

Daddy says he put it there only so the loan sharks won’t try anything funny.

He leaves the TV on - afraid of how quiet the house is, without white noise. Without you. We wait, but you don’t come home. It’s been three days.

I’ve thought about where you could have gone. Drinking with your friends? Watching soccer? Gambling? Succumbing? I stop myself.

Tonight I discover how it is like when sadness fills the heart. My chest feels so heavy, that it almost physically hurts to breathe.

The therapist says learning as much as we can about gambling disorder will result in less shame, less stigma, and more hope - that you will get well. So I consciously tell myself to have compassion.

But you know something? You’re not really helping yourself. I keep catching you playing Chua Dai Di on your phone. We convince ourselves that maybe it’s not gambling if no money is involved. Yeah, maybe.

“All I want is for our family to stay together.
Don’t fight.
Love each other.
Forgive each other,”

Daddy broke down at Ah Ma’s niche today. The last time I saw him cry was 10 years ago, at her funeral.

You’ve always been stubborn, hot-headed, impulsive – you live life on your own terms and do what you want. I resent you, yet, I wish I was a little bit more like you.

I watch from outside as you and Dad quarrel about our house, which we sold to pay off the loan sharks.

You had no choice but to sell your share of the wine shop but I think that might have been a good thing anyway, since I never liked that you were in the alcohol business. You agreed that it was.

I notice the greying hairs and fine lines on Dad’s face as I watch him check his earnings for the day. He’s always wanted to retire from driving, but now that has to wait because we have these debts, your debts, to clear.

Whenever I look at him, I see so much of myself yet I know I could never achieve half of the things he has. Or be as generous as he is.

He told me the other day that his biggest regret in life is not having given enough to me. I asked him to stop being ridiculous.

Since deciding to quit gambling, I’ve seen you chant Buddhist prayer verses before bed every night. You say that the silence when everyone at home is asleep helps you to concentrate.

“Humans have a lot of sin in ourselves.
I don’t pray to go to heaven.
I pray to repent for my sins.
I pray for others.

When I pray, I try to attain a pure state of mind and make those my only thoughts.”

Your Monday night grocery runs with Daddy have become a sort of routine.

You share a coffee and some small bites before shopping.

For the first time in a long time, I catch a glimpse of constancy.

“Tonight there’ll be no distance between us //
What I want most to do, is to get close to you //
Tonight I celebrate my love for you”
– Tonight I Celebrate My Love by Peabo Bryson

You said to me when I asked you what you really wanted in life.

“Simplicity. I realised just be simple, don’t be greedy. Just be simple, simple, simple.

We don’t need to have big money. And do things without thinking of the returns.

Happiness is possible even though we are not rich.”